It is currently 3am in the morning and I have been meaning to write about you. I had a chat with our close friend about a week ago and it made me realise, yet again, that there is so much you need to know from me. Starting off with how crippled I had become without you by my side. Till date, I don’t know who I lost you to, whether it’s a person, an event, or the unfortunate circumstance life put us in.
We were inseparable, Blaire Waldorf and Serena van der Woodsen had nothing on us, but they pretty much depicted our friendship. Of course, I wasn’t as shallow and somewhat heartless as Blaire Waldorf was, but I did have my flaws. You’ve visited me plenty times in my dreams. You’ve given me nightmares. Although the worst nightmare was waking up to reality: that we weren’t friends anymore. I remember the countless nights that I cried myself to sleep. And how ma would enter my room and have tears rolling down her face, because she couldn’t see me that way. They always say that a breakup is nothing when compared to losing your best friend. They also say you don’t understand the worth of something until its gone, but why did you have to leave me that way?
I know my behaviour towards you was unfair, it would make anyone feel upset. I know I took you for granted at times. And I know I never allowed you to speak up when you had something to say. It wasn’t just me, but it shouldn’t have been me. You loved me like I was your own. You were white and I was brown, but the disparity between our races never stopped us from calling each other sisters. Ever. You were my anchor. You would stay up all night while I would cry about a boy and tell me that he’s got no idea what he’s missing out on. You’d spend numerous days at my place just so that I wouldn’t feel alone. You’d surprise me by coming back early from vacation because you knew how much that would mean to me. You spent hours on the roof, alone, because you didn’t want to lie to your mother but you wanted L and I to enjoy the party. Babe, you let me love a boy you loved because you didn’t want to break my heart. How can I ever replace you?
It brings me to tears when i think about all that you’ve done for me. I am grateful. You made me half the person I am today. I am sorry for respecting the wrong friend; I am sorry for respecting someone who didn’t have half the respect you had for me. I am sorry that you’ve had heartbreaks that you didn’t deserve and I am sorry if I wasn’t there for you. My intention was not to hurt you.
My way of showing you love was different. It was how I’d show love towards my family. I didn’t feel the need to try hard to keep you by my side, because I knew you’d always be there. How can you blame me when normality was you being selfless? How could you expect me to behave any differently when you loved me regardless? I’d get two of everything I got because i wanted you to have what I had. You were a sister, Neen, and no matter what, I always had your back. If it ever came down to you and anyone else, I’d always choose you. But I hate myself for not telling you this more often. And I regret the night I was screaming the countdown to 2016 with the wrong people.
I know I can go on about the things you’ve done for me and justify the reasons why I was the way I was to you. But I’m here today to tell you that you’re a gem. You shouldn’t allow anyone to control the way you are. Never be afraid to shine brighter than anyone. Never allow someone to tell you you can’t do what you want to. Cause I know you are beyond any one of us have seen. And whoever gets to call you their best friend should know to keep you as a prized possession.
No matter what, you will always have a special place in my heart babe. Always.